Monthly Archives: February 2013

Popular Chinese Fortunes Are Fun In Bed.

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Chinese takeout isn’t my favorite, but you can’t complain when your husband offers to pick up dinner and you tell him to surprise you. It was Oscar night and even though I haven’t watched a movie in a theatre since “Pretty Woman” I listened to the Red Carpet chatter while choking down squares of pink colored meat.

“I’m not as hungry as I thought,” I said, cracking my fortune cookie while hoping my husband, Mark, believed me.

“ . . . in bed.”

I immediately started laughing. “Did you say in bed?”

“I said I’m exhausted and can’t wait to crawl in bed. Why was that funny?”

“I just finished reading my fortune when I heard you say in bed. Listen to this and add . . . in bed. A thrilling time is in your immediate future.”

“In bed.”

“I bet it works on all the Chinese fortunes. Read yours.”

“You have a friendly heart and are well admired,” Mark said, “in bed.”

“You made my night by surprising me with Chinese,” I said.

“You’re welcome. You deserved a break. You’re always burning the candle on both ends.

“It works on clichés, too. My brain will be adding “in bed” to everything.”

Mark smiled and put down his fork. “Let’s head upstairs. You’re like a kid in a candy store . . .”

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I was right. Adding “in bed” significantly improves these popular Chinese fortunes.

“Do not fear what you don’t know . . . in bed.”

“The object of your desire comes closer . . . in bed.”

“You will have a pleasant surprise . . . in bed.”

“All progress occurs because people dare to be different . . . in bed.”

“May life throw you a pleasant curve . . . in bed.”

“Don’t ask, don’t say. Everything lies in silence . . . in bed.”

“Look for new outlets for your own creative abilities . . . in bed.”

“Be prepared to accept a wondrous opportunity in the days ahead. . . in bed.”

“Fame, riches and romance are yours for the asking . . . in bed.”

“Good luck is the result of good planning . . . in bed.”

“Good things are being said about you . . . in bed.”

“Your attention to detail is both a blessing and a curse . . . in bed.”

“You will have a very pleasant experience . . . in bed.”

“Smiling often can make you look and feel younger . . . in bed.”

“The time is right to make new friends . . . in bed.”

“Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals . . . in bed.”

“If your desires are not extravagant they will be granted . . . in bed.”

“A friend asks only for your time, not your money . . . in bed.”

“Your greatest fortune is in the large number of friends you have . . . in bed.”

“He who laughs at himself never runs out of things to laugh at . . . in bed.”

“Failure is a chance to do better next time . . . in bed.”

“In order to take, one must first give . . . in bed.”

“Love lights up the world . . . in bed.”

“Practice makes perfect . . . in bed.”

“The harder you work, the luckier you get . . . in bed.”

“Those who care will make the effort . . . in bed.”

“You are generous to an extreme and always think of the other fellow . . . in bed.”

“You have a yearning for perfection . . . in bed.”

“Your ability is appreciated . . . in bed.”

Add Olive Oil to Dishwater

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Mitzi: No, Clancy. I said to find a photo of olive oil . . . o-i-l. Not Popeye’s girlfriend.

Clancy: What did you expect? I’m a fictional character. Of course, I’m going to think Olive Oyl.

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A few drops of olive oil added to hard dishwater will help lather the soap and keep the skin from getting rough.

Clancy: My knowledge on fictional characters might come in handy.

Mitzi: How?

Clancy: For instance, did you know Barbie’s full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts and Ken’s last name is Carson? Shaggy from Scooby-Doo is Norville Rogers. Even the paper patient glued on the game Operation has a name . . . Cavity Sam. I bet you didn’t know the policeman on the Monopoly “Get out of jail free” cards is Officer Edgar Mallory.

Mitzi: Right, I’m going to write a scene about Barbara Millicent Roberts and Ken Carson listening to Norville Rogers on the television while removing Cavity Sam’s organs. Oh, no! There is something seriously wrong with me. . . I can picture the scene. Ken’s painfully trying to grip the tweezers with fingers that don’t bend when he hears a knock on the door. His arm jerks, causing the tweezers to drop into the metal opening. Cavity Sam’s nose beeps and lights up as Officer Edgar Mallory bursts into the room. With stiff plastic arms, Ken shoves Cavity Sam toward  Barbie.

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“Officer, I swear,” Ken says, “removing Cavity Sam’s ice cream shaped brain was Ms. Robert’s idea.” Barbie flicks her cigarette while staring into officer Mallory’s cardboard eyes. “So, what can I do to get one of those get out of jail free cards?”

Clancy: Why didn’t you give me a last name in The Taste of Orange?

Mitzi: You’re Clancy. Unique characters don’t need a last name.

Clancy: If I’m so special why does it matter if you find a publisher?

Mitzi: Because it will make you real. The only way I can hug you is by holding the book.

Watch Out! Clancy Tweets

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Mitzi: Why did you set up Twitter while I was in Chicago? https://twitter.com/JustClancy

Clancy: Why are you complaining? You should thank me. Wait a minute. How did you find out?

Mitzi: Twitter sent a warning. You’re following more people than follow you. Makes you look like spam.

Clancy: But I have diverse interests.

Mitzi: A fictional character with diverse interests belongs on Pheed. It’s the new social network. There are no restrictions like Facebook and Twitter. It’s tailored for someone like you that doesn’t like to follow rules.

Clancy: Sounds like something my protagonist, Peter Codington, would be interested in.

Mitzi: By the way, nice picture. You’ve been working out.

Clancy: You might want to try it.

Mitzi: I worked out by playing with my grandchildren.

Clancy: I popped in and out of your head while you were in Chicago. Loved Bailey and Will. Especially the three-year-old when it came to bedtime.

Mitzi: Bailey has quite the imagination. Did you know her doll, Mary, threw up in the car on our way back from my brother’s house? How do you remove doll vomit?

Clancy: According to, Bailey, the vomit was sitting on top of your head. Why did you waste your time pretending to wipe down the backseat?

Mitzi: Bailey was so descriptive that the odor made me nauseous.

Clancy: Here’s Bailey’s conversations five minutes after you tucked her in bed.

My feet are cold. I need socks.

Two minutes later: I need my blanket fixed.

One minute later: I’m too hot. I can’t take my pajamas off.

Three seconds later: I can’t pull the zipper. They shouldn’t put zippers on little kids pajamas.

One minute later: When is it midnight?

Two minutes later: Mary got out of bed. It’s not fair that she gets to stay up and I can’t.

Three minutes later: I need my door open another crack.

Five seconds later: I’m talking to myself and nobody is listening.

Two minutes later: I shut my eyes but they won’t go to sleep.

One minute later: I need to brush my teeth again.

Clancy: And the number one call out that made your daughter-in-law jump up from the couch and run toward Bailey’s bedroom—I have to go number two.

Mitzi: What else did you do while I was gone?

Clancy: Pretty much just wondered what happened to the chubby little “Bee Girl” from the Blind Melon Video.

Keep Cheese Fresh

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Smear butter to the cut side of cheese to stop it from drying out. Clancy uses this tip so she can save plastic wrap for her favorite treat. She keeps ice cream from forming icky crystals by wrapping the container in plastic wrap before placing it in the freezer.