Clancy’s favorite non-cleaning tip: Scatter get-well cards across the kitchen table when you don’t have time to clean. Not only will unexpected sharp-tongued guests not complain nor spread gossip about your cleaning habits, but also they might feel sorry for you and offer to tidy-up.
Mitzi: No, Clancy. I said to find a photo of olive oil . . . o-i-l. Not Popeye’s girlfriend.
Clancy: What did you expect? I’m a fictional character. Of course, I’m going to think Olive Oyl.
A few drops of olive oil added to hard dishwater will help lather the soap and keep the skin from getting rough.
Clancy: My knowledge on fictional characters might come in handy.
Clancy: For instance, did you know Barbie’s full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts and Ken’s last name is Carson? Shaggy from Scooby-Doo is Norville Rogers. Even the paper patient glued on the game Operation has a name . . . Cavity Sam. I bet you didn’t know the policeman on the Monopoly “Get out of jail free” cards is Officer Edgar Mallory.
Mitzi: Right, I’m going to write a scene about Barbara Millicent Roberts and Ken Carson listening to Norville Rogers on the television while removing Cavity Sam’s organs. Oh, no! There is something seriously wrong with me. . . I can picture the scene. Ken’s painfully trying to grip the tweezers with fingers that don’t bend when he hears a knock on the door. His arm jerks, causing the tweezers to drop into the metal opening. Cavity Sam’s nose beeps and lights up as Officer Edgar Mallory bursts into the room. With stiff plastic arms, Ken shoves Cavity Sam toward Barbie.
“Officer, I swear,” Ken says, “removing Cavity Sam’s ice cream shaped brain was Ms. Robert’s idea.” Barbie flicks her cigarette while staring into officer Mallory’s cardboard eyes. “So, what can I do to get one of those get out of jail free cards?”
Clancy: Why didn’t you give me a last name in The Taste of Orange?
Mitzi: You’re Clancy. Unique characters don’t need a last name.
Clancy: If I’m so special why does it matter if you find a publisher?
Mitzi: Because it will make you real. The only way I can hug you is by holding the book.